Thursday, August 18, 2005

Kavita

Deewaron par tangi yeh tasveerein
Yeh yaadon ke udte panchi
Lafzon par atki woh baatein
bin kahe bohat keh leti
Un bikhre huye palon ko samet ta
Sooni aankhon mein yeh samundar
Ujde ped par baadal ka saaya
Jaise sannate mein lehrata bawandar
Bijli ki taaron par latke patang
ambar ko choone ki unki aashayein
Bas, ek hawa ka jhonka aur lage woh jhoomne!
Un neeli oonchaiyon se kya dikhe vipdayein
Kal phir ek nayee sehar
ek naya makaam, ek nayee lehar
Deewaron par phir tangengi nayee tasveerien
phir udenge aashaon ke woh patang

[Revised version edited by Mukti Krishan. Thanks!]

1 comment:

Sachin Shrestha said...

Here's how Mukti edited the original version:

Here are my two cents:
In the last line "phir udenge yaadon ke woh panchi" instead "phir
udenge ashaon ke woh patang" The reason we have pictures around us is
because of the hope of reliving those memories. Its not really about
the memories themselves. Its this ever present hopeful streak in us
that one day....some day... we could relive that time. I feel hope
triggered by a memory is a more profound emotion than memory by
itself. Eg.you might still remember brushing your teeth in the
morning but it does not move you cos it does not trigger hope.
Its a take frm the first two lines of the poem but you could use the
metaphor of kites throughout instead of birds. Cos unlike birds,
kites, like human flights of fantasy, fly high but are rooted (read
personal) to the person flying it. I felt with the kites suddenly the
rest of your thoughts in the poem just fall into place. For eg. Lafzon
pe atki woh baatein..&...bijli ki taaron pe atke patang.
Bas ek hawa ka jhonka.....here I think subconsciously you compare the
winds to again signs of hope from something or someone and with gay
abandon a hopeful heart leaps with joy. Joy of acceptance, joy of
finding one's soulmate, joy of finding love in a loveless world.
Un neeli oonchaiyon se kya dikhe vipdayein....this metaphor is ur
yearning for Utopia.
"Ambar ko choothi...." ki jagah "ambar ko choone ki unki aashayein"
but conversely one could argue khud ruke huey hain tho kya, aashayein
tho hamesha ambar ko chooengi! But I feel there's more conflict, more
at stake with ambar ko choone ki aashayein .